I know we’re suppose to be honest when writing. But we’re so afraid to say the un-sayable. At Blissdom a speaker on writing, Jeff Goins, encouraged us to write the truth. What am I afraid of anyway. To me, being afraid of the truth is to be hiding from ourselves. Our true selves. So here goes. The true, raw, unedited me.
Actually I have Bipolar 2 disorder*. I don’t think I’m suppose to say that out loud. I’m afraid of the stigma that it will bring upon me. The hurt it may cause me. But it’s true. I suffer from depression and anxiety.
I have my ups and downs. My good days and bad days. Although my bad days probably look a little different than most. They consist of not wanting to get out of bed, get dressed, take a shower. Oh, and existing. On bad days I wish I didn’t exist. I wish I could crawl under a rock and sleep forever.
~~~This is not to be confused with suicidal thoughts. I am safe from those. So don’t anyone go and misunderstand what I’m saying.~~~
But it’s a sad scary world sometimes. Sometimes it’s hard for me to see out of the darkness. Sometimes the dark clouds come it and all I have it Gods light that I have to choose to search for. Every day.
So when I wake up. When I rise each morning. I choose.
I choose to see Him.
I choose to see the Light.
His grace that will carry me through that day, whether good or bad.
And Gods given me a Husband that gets that. He gets this new version of me. That sometimes I require more sleep. That sometimes I need to linger in bed, alone. That sometimes hugs don’t help.
But then that’s when God steps in with his invisible, big, warm, loving hugs. The ones when you feel that energy, that love, that wonderfulness that cannot be explained.