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The Unspoken-Part 1

I know we’re suppose to be honest when writing.  But we’re so afraid to say the un-sayable.  At Blissdom a speaker on writing, Jeff Goins, encouraged us to write the truth.  What am I afraid of anyway.  To me, being afraid of the truth is to be hiding from ourselves.  Our true selves.  So here goes.  The true, raw, unedited me.

I’m Bipolar.

Actually I have Bipolar 2 disorder*. I don’t think I’m suppose to say that out loud.  I’m afraid of the stigma that it will bring upon me.  The hurt it may cause me.  But it’s true.  I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I have my ups and downs.  My good days and bad days.  Although my bad days probably look a little different than most.  They consist of not wanting to get out of bed, get dressed, take a shower.  Oh, and existing.  On bad days I wish I didn’t exist.  I wish I could crawl under a rock and sleep forever.

~~~This is not to be confused with suicidal thoughts.  I am safe from those.  So don’t anyone go and misunderstand what I’m saying.~~~

But it’s a sad scary world sometimes.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to see out of the darkness.  Sometimes the dark clouds come it and all I have it Gods light that I have to choose to search for.  Every day.

So when I wake up.  When I rise each morning.  I choose.
I choose to see Him.
I choose to see the Light.
His light.
His forgiveness.
His love.
His grace that will carry me through that day, whether good or bad.

And Gods given me a Husband that gets that.  He gets this new version of me.  That sometimes I require more sleep.  That sometimes I need to linger in bed, alone.  That sometimes hugs don’t help.

But then that’s when God steps in with his invisible, big, warm, loving hugs.  The ones when you feel that energy, that love, that wonderfulness that cannot be explained.

 

What abou you?  Is there something that you have unsaid? 

Maybe you do have the courage and strength to write it…..More to come next week about my journey.

Comments

  1. Leigh, thank you so much for sharing so deeply. Blissdom hugs to you! Keep shining! Love your blog. Glad we met at the conference.

    Blessings,

    Ananda Leeke

  2. Thank you for a wonderful, honest post, Leigh. I’ve suffered from postpartum depression and anxiety for the past 10 months, and I have found such freedom and community from blogging about it. Hope you are able to find some of that, too.

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Misty, Yes I suffered from PPD with all 3 kids. It just got a lot worse after 3rd and after diagnosed it’s really explained a lot to me in my past. It’s nice to have answers and be about to depend on the Lord for strength.
      xo Leigh

  3. So glad you are sharing this. You know you gain strength over it when you don’t let it smother you. Also, that picture in your post is way more you than your current profile pic. ;) Looking forward to reading more. I know that by sharing your truth you will give hope to someone reading.

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Thanks girl! Yes, I’m looking for a “me” picture. Have you seen my new one from Blissdom yet? I think it’s good for a headshot…not silly though.
      And yes, I hope one person will be helped or encouraged knowing that God can do all things.
      xoxo Leigh

  4. I think it is so very important that we talk about this!! Thank-you for sharing!

    I have depression & anxiety. I take meds. I have bad days & good days. I have dealt with it for many many years and I talk about it a lot just in case there is another woman out there that needs to know she is not alone and also that God still loves us and God is ok with us- mental illness and all. :)

    It was great to meet you last week- even if it was only for a minute. *hugs*

  5. Yes! I’m not bipolar, but I do struggle with depression. And living in a place like Ireland, what with it’s dark and damp and rain everyday, doesn’t help.

    “all I have is God’s light which I have to choose to search for.” That phrase so resonated with me. To CHOOSE to look for His light, even when it’s not readily obvious to me. Yes.

  6. (((Big Hugs)))
    I share a glimpse of what you deal with. I’ve dealt with Postpartum Depression for 9 years, pretty much straight. This is the longest I haven’t had it ( for about 4 months now). It is a HARD place to be. It’s like I finally woke up and remembered who I was!
    And I totally get Bipolar is different, but God is bigger. He is greater and stronger. And it’s during this and with this and through this that you cling and depend on Him.
    There’s no need to be afraid of what God is using. (Strange, I wrote a similar post today, but it was more focused on being hindered/defined by something that should never define us. Hmm…you should pop on over there girl….maybe God has something for you there?)

    http://joyfulmothering.net/2012/03/01/god-designed-you-to-be-you/

    Love
    xo

  7. Thanks, Leigh, for sharing; I am so glad that you have a supportive husband…this is my 1st time visiting, so nice to meet you :)

  8. I am so sorry that you have to live with Bipolar disorder, but I love that you choose life. Our pain is a blessing when it points us to the Saviour and pushes us to live by his grace. So glad I met you last night (Twitter) and was able to read this post. I look forward to more. BTW, I’ll pray that you stick with it. Sharing the junk in our trunk can be overwhelming. Bless you!

  9. I suffer from severe depression. Sadly it was kicking my backside while at Relevant11 and I feel like I really missed out on a lot.
    But the good news is that God is good and is bringing me through it. I’ve graduated to the “moderate” stage and hope to keep going forward. What brought it on? I’ve been through a lot of high level stress in our lives in the last 5 years… or should I make that 10? Sometimes I look back and think maybe I’ve been battling against it since childhood. (history of sexual abuse often leads to chronic depression- wow. did I just put. that. in. writing?)
    It has really affected my blogging in the last 6 months.. or rather accounts for the spotty / lack of blogging.
    Hugs to you Leigh!

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Hugs right back to you Sharon!! I too have had tons of specific high levels of stressful situations in the past 5 years that should have had me crashing. But by Gods grace he gave me the strength to see when I needed help and to recognize the times to reach out for Love.
      I pray that you’ll be able to stay with the Lord through the hard times and that he’ll wrap his arms tightly around you. Remember to take care of yourself and your ‘true’ blog readers will understand the real life of you.
      xoxo Leigh

  10. I LOVE that you have said this. My mother was bipolar “2″ too, and she never grasped that. I am glad that you have realized you do have a choice every day, to choose HIS way. My prayer for you is to keep on seeing His Love and Light every single day. Keep on shining Leigh!

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Thanks Lori! I love that there are others out there and I’d love to help break the stigma behind Bipolar Disorder in general. We are all capable of anything with Gods love and grace. Thank you for the encouragement. Prayers for your mothers path.

  11. I heard recently when you share your story you let your light shine for Jesus.

    That is what I see you doing here.

    I know it will touch many hearts!

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Wow, Stacey that just made me cry. I’m so glad that someone thinks that. It’s always nice to hear. Thanks for the support! xoxo Hope I get to see you at Allume!

  12. Leigh I am so proud of you for posting this. I suffer with depression as well, but I feel getting it out there helps far more people than it hurts. I hope you had a freeing feeling after posting it, no longer hiding from the stigma. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Cherie, thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I just wrote what my heart told me too. It’s freeing knowing that I have nothing to hide from and that Gods in control no matter what.

      • FunkyFaithGirl says:

        Denise, you’ve been such a blessing to me. Thank you for always encouraging me. It’s not my light shining, it’s the Lord using me to shine his word and I’m happy to do so.

  13. Depression, anxiety and not bipolar over here, but have a “no-cause” mood disorder – so interesting isn’t? I’m just moody for no reason! Ha! And just like you, have never had a suicidal thought, but could sit on my couch for days, if I hadn’t sought treatment. I have thought about sharing this on my blog, as well, because I know there are so many others out there. I can be hilarious (because I am!) and bouncy and fun, but still have this underlying issue. I really don’t know why I haven’t. I’m glad you did! :)

  14. I am so proud of you. I am amazed at how you accept all the life challenges you face. Thanks for being authentic and real and letting your light shine.

  15. {{hugs}} i love you so.

  16. I’m excited to see you sharing this. I belong to an amazing online community of type 1 diabetics. We blog about life with diabetes and all it entails — good and bad. The support we offer to one another is unbelievable. I know that with this post, you will receive a similar outpouring of love! It’s one of the fantastic things about the Internet!

  17. It feels wrong to say, but I love this. I love your courage. It makes me want to write more about what I’ve been going through, but more than that, it makes me see that I NEED to go for a complete evaluation to know exactly what’s wrong with me that a GP can’t diagnose. Thank you for putting this out there.

    • FunkyFaithGirl says:

      Heather, it’s not at all wrong to say. I love it as well when people put their true selves out there. It’s admirable and encouraging. I’m so glad that it encouraged you. I hope that you can find a diagnosis that helps. I truly understand. xo

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  1. [...] was reading Leigh’s post over at Funky Faith Girl this past week and she mentioned Jeff Goins – a speaker/writer who she heard at Blissdom.  He [...]

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