Yep, that’s me and my sweet husband. This is about 3 weeks after we started dating on New Years eve of 1999-2000.
This is probably one of the hardest posts I’ve ever had to write. Ever. But I believe that people’s words can make a difference, and I can hope that this helps someone somewhere. Hopefully to bring truth to light and make christian people in church a little less stuffy and a little more forgiving. I will probably lose friends, or readers, or followers or whatever. But who cares. It’s why I write. I write for me and my beliefs. I’m writing this post to bring what I feel is much needed attention to the fact that we should be focusing on forgiveness of everyone no matter what the sin.
I got this urge and need to write this post when I read Kristen’s post “What I want my kids to know about sex” a couple of days ago. While I’m not writing about my kids, it is about the topic of Sex within the Church and how it seems to be not only shamed but it seems to be looked down upon in an unforgivable way. This is not ok.
God gives grace to everyone, Equally and No Matter What!
The world seems to have become so worried about obeying the Lord and His truths that we have forgotten an important part.
Forgiveness and Love.
Without these two things, we cannot exist. A true and decent world should contain forgiveness and love. It should have people who strive to bring these things to light continually. I try to be one of those people. So here I am, about to confess to this little world of mine on this page, one of my biggest sins.
My husband and I met at this church he grew up in. My friend brought me to this church. I trusted people, ministers in this church. I still do. There are people in our old church that I still love and that had nothing to do with the shame that was laid upon us.
To get to the point of this, I’m going to fast track it. Basically, my husband and I met and fell in love in less than a month. We were what we’d both been looking for in a mate our entire 21 years of life. We wanted to get married in the next year, and engaged as soon as possible. We literally spent every single day together. We were way beyond smitten. So naturally our sinful selves got very taken away.
Yep, we had pre-marital sex. (drop bomb) We lied, we told friends and family it wasn’t true. We saw what had happened within the church to 2 other friends that had gotten pregnant while unmarried. They were shamed. Shamed right out of the church. They felt so unwelcome and so uncomfortable that they left. When did this happen? When did Jesus say it’s ok to throw stones? Um, never. Everyone sins, no sin is unforgivable. No sin is worse.
But then our world got hit. Hit so hard that we were both shaken to our core.
I got pregnant. Yep, we had been dating for 6 months and I got pregnant.
I was scared. Not just, I broke the “rules” scared. But I was scared of being called out, be verbally and emotionally castrated by members in our church, people we called friends. I was in literal turmoil. My emotions were mush. I had no idea what to think, do, say or feel. There was no one I could talk to…..the act of pre-marital sex was forbidden. How was I to speak to anyone about it?
My family was already disappointed in me for not perfect college behavior in the past. The past that Jesus had washed away and forgiven. The past that was now seemingly creeping back into my life and trying to overcome me. I was a bad person again. I was the bad girl. I was dirty and unclean and no one would want me.
The thoughts were not just in my head. They were in front of me in real life and while my husband was pro-life, I was pro-choice. I was a very liberal girl back then. (*I say girl, because that’s what I was. I was new in my christianity and new to this life with God.)
Well, we did it. We chose what people call “the easy way”. I had an abortion. That word haunts me to this day. An expensive abortion that reminded me for months that I was now tainted. That I had done the unspeakable and was unforgiven by people I called my friends. True, I didn’t know who of my close friends would judge me. But because my husband’s family was close to many ministers in the church and I knew it wouldn’t be good.
We both felt we had no other way out of our pregnancy. We felt trapped, like we WERE going to be stoned and that we would then be alone. Those feeling overwhelmed me. The feelings took over my knowing that God was in control, that God was the only one that mattered. Back then, those 13 years ago, I didn’t know God and his word like I do now. I didn’t feel strong in his faith. I was a christian newbie. And I chose the easy way out. If we did it, moved on with our lives like nothing had happened, then our perfect in church life would be ok. We would still be loved.
(* I want to make sure that as you read this you understand that these are my feeling I had at the time. No one in our church verbally said anything to us. This is how I felt. It may have turned out differently if I had chosen the other path. I’ll never know.)
That’s where things were just wrong. This whole part of my life was wrong. I’ve never really known how to feel about my abortion. An abortion with a man who I loved and that I ended up marrying 2 years later. I just left myself numb to it. Knowing that my life might have been harder, more alone than now, and really just unknown.
I would have a wonderful 13 year old child right now.
MY child would’ve just turned 13 this spring.
…….And now I mourn. I mourn a different life with a fourth child. I mourn the face that I let the ideals and opinions of others affect my decision about life. About my child’s life. About an innocent life. I mourn that there are other people and other churches out there that do the same. They don’t welcome the broken, the burned, the scarred with open arms. They don’t have open minds. They don’t see things the way they should be. Freely and without judgement.
But mostly I mourn that I will never be able to completely forgive myself. For it was my decision, and I did it freely.
Thank goodness the Lords forgiveness is all I need. I shall cling to it.
Now, while my heart will always hurt, I am healing. I think it will be a lifelong healing process. I have forgiven myself, but I will never forget and I don’t feel I should. It’s our trials that bring us closer to God and give us stronger faith in Him.
“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling
on it separates close friends.”