(me last year July 2012- Very Happy!)
(Me, last week, in bed.)
Wonder where I’ve been? Well you may or may not know that I have Bipolar 2 disorder. Lately it’s been sucking the life out of me. Simply put my mania is only really racing thoughts, and feeling that I can be awesome at the dreams I have. (aka they aren’t severe). However, my depression sucks.
Yep, depression sucks. And I happen to think God’s ok with that.
Last week depression took me to the bottom of the deepest darkest ocean.
It took me to dark places I have never known.
To a place where time stood still and I was floating as if looking at my life from a distance.
It kept me chained to my bed for 3 days.
I slept all day and all night. For 3 days.
I didn’t want to take care of my children.
They took care of me.
My husband took care of me.
I just laid there.
As if warped into a sad deep dark hole that no one could see me in.
Where I cried over nothing and returned to the dark despair my life was in.
I kept my kids at bay, seeming just tired and nothing more.
I ran to the bathroom to sob over nothing and wash away the tears with water.
And you know the weirdest part? During this time, I didn’t think of God. I have to be honest. God wasn’t in my mind, because I wasn’t in my mind. This disorder removes you from yourself. It casts a spell on you and makes you into someone you don’t want to be.
As the fog started to disappear……I would ask God for help. Ask him to remove these thoughts of loneliness that I finally knew were lies. I would beg for a sign, a clue, something to tell me he still loved me. That he was there, in this pit with me. But sometimes, he doesn’t answer. Sometimes, we have to cling to his word.
“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” Psalm 23: 4
I know I can always depend on leaning on his words. And that is enough. It should be enough. It’s not always easy. Honestly it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. But I will still cling. Because God never promised us an easy life with no struggles.
But He DID promise that he would be there for us, to protect us, to love us.
Because IS the One.
The ONE Father.
The ONE who provides all things.
The ONE who carries us through trials even though we are blind to the future.
“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
That’s I all I need. That’s all anyone needs. As I continue through my blessed life, I’ll remember his words. Because they are a part of me.
Now, I’m actually doing well physically and emotionally this week. My doctor has worked with me on my medications and I’m doing very well. There is no promise that I won’t fall into despair again. After all, there is No Cure for this disorder. I will live with it forever. And I feel AWESOME about that.
One, because it will keep me humble- to my God and to my husband. It seriously helps my love of my Lord become closer and blesses my marriage. It strengthens them both measurably.
Second, because I cannot become closer to the Lord without trials. I believe that without knowing despair, that one cannot know HOW to truly lean on God.
It’s for these things that in my heart I am grateful. And ALL of this is Why I think God’s ok with depression basically sucking. Because if it brings me closer to Him then I believe it’s a good thing. And he could care less that I think it sucks sometimes. Those are just the little things.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1: 2-4